Cherophobia
by LoverOfTragedies
Summary: Cherophobia, the fear of happiness, or the aversion to happiness. Mathias himself has elation running in his veins. After being separated from his siblings for way too long, he can't help himself from being too happy. But will this elation of his finally let him have the family he wants, or will it destroy his dreams and send them crumbling to the ground?
1. Prolouge

" _ **Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."**_

 _ **―**_ _ **George Burns**_

* * *

Finally, after years of forced solitude, he gets to meet them again. It's really quite elating; to finally meet your siblings after being separated for so long. It's indescribable actually. Having that kind of feeling truly is enjoyable. As if it's not only cloud nine, something greater than that would suffice.

Preparing his stuff for departure, he grabbed his clothes and personal belongings and stuffed them inside a suitcase, a suitcase adorned with the Danish flag. Getting his own coat, he rushed out of his bedroom and prepared himself some smørrebrød. Eating the bread, he wiped off the crumbs off his face and went on outside.

Seeing the busy streets of Copenhagen, he hailed for a cab, since his luggage won't allow him to use his bike. Giving instructions to depart for the Øresund, he became a bit drowsy. After all, the ride to Malmö would be a bit long.

Slowly closing his eyes, he would then dream, dream for the family he would want to have. A family that he'd been yearning for years. The happiness he craved, he envied, he wanted.

After a shy on an hour, he woke up to the city of Malmö. Paying the cab driver, he set off to meet his brother, Berwald. As funny as it sounds, he is only related to him by their mother. Mathias grew up with a different father in Denmark whilst Berwald grew up in Sweden, but the two did live under a roof when they were teenagers, along with Lukas, their other half-brother.

Walking, he whistled a happy tune while bringing with him his luggage. Trying to find Berwald's house, he saw too that Malmö was busy as well. People talking to others via telecommunications, manning shops, and driving cars.

A few minutes later, he found the house that he used to visit Berwald before. Standing in front of it, the house itself wasn't really modern. It was a simple house, painted blue with a yellow picket fence and a small front yard.

Opening the gate, he slowly walked on the cement path that led to the door. A bit happy and anxious, he finally reached the door and stood in front of it. Wanting to open the door, he extended his arm, albeit a bit shakily, and began to open the door.

Subconsciously though, he knew this happiness won't last. That this happiness will break him again. That this will destroy his dreams.

* * *

 **A.N.: Hello! LoT here~ Finally I managed to write something, although I don't have the fullest assurance that this would be very long. Welp, I'm in college now and I'm trying to write some stories, but alas, my daily work is a bit backbreaking, so I've been stalled by it from making stories. Other than that, I think my uploads would be late, like I would only be able to upload a new chapter like once a week. If I managed to upload two or more, then I managed to either procrastinate or I had that much free time.**

 **OH MY I'M RAMBLING. Sorry~ Welp, please feel free to read and review~**


	2. On the Seas of Tranquility

On the Seas of Tranquility

" _ **It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."**_ _ **  
**_ _ **―**_ _ **Chuck Palahniuk**_ _ **,**_ _ **Diary**_

* * *

Going inside, he was greeted with the same old house he used to go home before. Bright blue colors adorn the walls, quaint lighting surrounds the house and the busyness of the people who reside the old abode. Setting his luggage down, he went to the living room and peeked out. He saw Emil and Lukas watching television, a very weird show playing on the television. Stealthily, he made his way towards the brothers, tip-toeing every step until he deemed it so perfect for his surprise. Jumping at the two and screaming jovially and loudly, he managed to startle the two, with Emil jumping out of his place and Lukas a bit annoyed but unfazed.

When Mathias saw Emil jump, he laughed heartily at him. On the other hand, Lukas was a bit angered at the sudden intrusion of their peace and decided to give Mathias a piece of his mind. He stood up from the couch, approached the Dane, and strangled him with the tie he had. Choking on the said apparel, Mathias was flailing childishly onto Lukas, slowly turning blue at the lack of oxygen. When Lukas had his fill with choking Mathias, he let go and went back to Emil and helped him up.

When he heard noises in the kitchen, Mathias decided to leave the two alone and went to the kitchen silently. Peeking, he saw Tino preparing food for the others. Slowly waiting for his opportunity, he let Tino cook for a while, and then he went in the kitchen, screaming loudly, and effectively surprising Tino. The shorter man almost dropped the silverware and the pan he was holding. A bit shocked at the sudden arrival of Mathias, he placed the said silverware and te pan aside and went on to hug him.

Seeing that Tino hasn't changed, he hugged back. He then went onto the kitchen counter to find out what was for dinner. Potatoes, leeks and salmon. Ah, the common Lohikeitto for dinner. Deeming it enough that he had managed to finish his quest in the kitchen, he went on to look for Berwald, searching the bedrooms silently. Finding him nowhere in the bedrooms, he smirked, knowing where his brother was. Slowly approaching the study, he opened the door gently, making sure there was no sound that would emanate from the door. Seeing his brother working diligently, he tip-toed to him and screamed.

Very unfazed at the antics of his brother, Berwald just grunted, signaling that he acknowledged the arrival of Mathias to the house. A bit saddened at the fact he still could startle his brother, he hugged him tightly, stating that he missed him the most. Grunting once more, Berwald hugged back, albeit reluctantly. He then shoved Mathias off gently and went back to work.

* * *

After meeting all of them, he went back to the front door to get his luggage and brought it to his room. Opening the old but somewhat dustless door, he saw his room, still unchanged. The Danish flag adorning the wall above the headrest of his bed. The walls of his room still that vibrant red, so was his bedsheets. A bit happy at the fact his room had been somewhat untouched, he jumped on his bed and snuggled under the covers. Missing the soft bed he used to sleep on before, he stayed there for a while, entranced at the softness he is currently on.

After lying down on his bed, he stood up and unpacked his luggage. He put his clothes in the dresser, his axe on the same mounting place and his pictures on the table beside his bed. Getting a towel, he went to the bathroom and took a bath.

* * *

Dried up and refreshed, he exited the bathroom and went back to his bedroom. Changing clothes, he chose his normal attire and went back down for dinner. Seeing that everyone except him assembled at the dining table, he took the remaining seat for himself and sat down.

Everyone ate silently, including Mathias. A bit intrigued at the silence that envelopes them, he thought to himself onto why they are silent. Dinner finished quite awkwardly and Mathias approached his brother, Berwald. He then asked him.

"Ber, is there something wrong? Why was everyone silent?"

"N'thing's wrong, M'thias. You're the 'nly noisy one at d'nner."

"Really? Whoa, then dinners were that quiet when I was gone?"

"Ja."

Seeing that Berwald wanted to drop the subject, he stopped asking him and made way to the living room.

* * *

Arriving in the said room, he sat down the couch and grabbed the remote and turned the television on. Flipping channels again and again, his attention had not been allured by the various channels he had gone through. Seeing that there is nothing good to watch on the television, he just turned the television off and rested on the couch.

Raising his head a bit high, he stared at the ceiling, preoccupied with his thoughts. Reminiscing the memories he had about this home and his family, he had spaced out. Remembering the time he had drawn on the walls, the time the brothers met Emil and Tino, the time Mathias had first exploded, and the time he had been sent away. A tear escapes his seemingly open eyes, he then remembered the horrible times he had to deal with during the time he was in therapy. Being sent away to a place far away from home, dealing with strangers who seems to label him with psychiatric disorders, and being caged like an animal. All the while, the four watched Mathias reminiscing on the couch, and later on crying silently.

After an hour of reminiscing, he blinked and felt that he had been crying for the past hour or so. Wiping the tears off his face, he stood up and rushed to his bedroom, not noticing his brothers on the way. Closing the door a bit harshly, he slumped down against the door and sadly stared at the walls until he fell asleep.

* * *

Dried tears, screaming, flailing, and a promise on being recompensed. It's all what his subconscious remembers. And he doesn't want to go through all that again. Looming over the past, he made sure he won't ever experience his hell on Earth.

* * *

 **A.N.: So sorry for letting the week pass by... :(((( I managed to get sick last week and recovered slightly from my sickness, then I had collegiate duties the days after. I only managed to recover yesterday. So sorry if this is short and a bit bad. I didn't really expect this chapter to be that good.**

 **Well, read and review! There will be cookies!~ LoT~**


	3. By the Trials of Fire

By the Trials of Fire

" _ **You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle."**_ _ **  
**_ _ **―**_ _ **Shannon L. Alder**_

* * *

It's a white room. A plain white room. No adornments, no objects. Nothing. Isn't it unnerving, to see pure white everywhere? Doesn't your blood run cold, your sanity slip away? It's destructive. It's pure hell. Alone, cold, empty, lifeless. Will I die here?

* * *

Chirping. Blinded. Awakened. It's morning. Stretching, he rose from his spot, his hair still as wild, his face dried from tears. The sense of relief runs from his veins. He doesn't find himself there.

Going out of his room, silence fills the halls, shrouded in darkness. The beautiful rays of the sun hasn't pierced the horizon, it seemed. Groggily, he went downstairs, getting himself a glass of water and went out to the veranda. Sitting on a nearby chair, he felt a slight chill on his skin. What a time to be free, he thought. Drinking his water slowly, he crossed his legs and savored the cool liquid that was going down his throat.

He sat there for an hour, until he managed to see the sun rise. Such splendor, grace and beauty fills the skies. The once blanketed heavens become replaced, the new skies adorning it. Going back inside, he set his glass down the table and began getting himself breakfast.

Sitting down the chair, he ate his breakfast quite boringly, somewhat playing with his food before he ate it. It seemed that he hasn't accustomed himself to his new found freedom. After managing to finish his food, he stood up and went back to his room, wanting to find time alone for himself.

* * *

Awakening to the sound of his own alarm, Tino rubbed his eyes and went out of his room. Meeting Mathias in the hallway, he waved to him sleepily, in which he got a plain reply. Still not in his proper mindset, he gave it no mind, yawning, then went downstairs. Beginning to prepare breakfast, he took out from the cupboards and refrigerator his ingredients and began cooking.

Soon after, the others followed, Berwald, Lukas, and then Emil. The three, finding no sign of Mathias around them, became slightly perplexed with how Mathias had been acting. Although shrugging it off, they somewhat couldn't place their thoughts on something, and then focused on their daily tasks efficiently.

* * *

Days passed by, and Mathias had been doing the same things. Going out way too early, then going back to his room, staying there all day. The four had been worried, at some extent, on how Mathias had been faring. They knew why Mathias was away for so long, and they couldn't just ignore the fact that their brother is suffering something they can't cure. Knowing that they had to do something, Tino planned for them to have a picnic in the incoming week. All in agreement, Lukas went to Mathias' room, knocking once, twice, then thrice.

"Anko, you there?"

"Ja, Lukas! Gimme a minute!"

Opening the door, a cheerful Mathias beheld him. His hair still in its wild style, and his face plastered with a smile. Coughing somewhat, he went inside the room, Mathias trailing behind him.

"Is something bothering you, Anko?"

"It's nothing really! I'm just adjusting to things!"

"Ah, I see. By the way, Tino planned that all of us should have a picnic next week. You're coming, alright?"

"Ja, sure Lukas! I'll join you guys!"

Finding that nothing has been wrong, for now, Lukas went out of the room, with a click of the door signaling that he had left.

* * *

Still, days went on, and Mathias has still been exhibiting his weird behavior. Everyone still bought the adjustment excuse, but even they couldn't help but think that there's something wrong with their brother. As if something dangerous lurks on their brother's presence. Wanting to find out since then, they had been monitoring him secretly. Berwald during eating times, Lukas during the morning, Emil at the afternoon, and Tino at the evening. Having their own ideas and findings, they held a small family meeting, excluding Mathias. Each told their own findings. Slowly by slowly, they pieced their own idea of what has been troubling their brother, and none of them couldn't give even a mutter onto it.

In shock and disbelief, they couldn't believe he had been suffering this for a very long time, ever since they had seen him explode. Berwald in silence, Tino in disbelief, Emil in pity, and Lukas in shambles, they finally understood why Mathias had been secluded and sad at random times, even understanding the impulses of their brother.

Adjourning the meeting, each and everyone went back to their rooms, with their minds baffled by how Mathias had been sick all along. Clicks, one after the other, the household had retired for the night, the lights closed and the rooms silent. Slowly, each fell into their own slumber, somewhat wishing in any deity that their brother be cured.

* * *

The notebook, mistakenly left on the table, had been touched by breezes of cold wind. Pages slowly turning, three words, highlighted by circles and ink, are found written on the center, in a rushed fashion.

 **Borderline Personality Disorder**

* * *

 **A.N.: Hello! Finally I managed to make this chapter!~ Phew~ Hehehehehe~ I had a hard time writing this, given on how I make my stories. By the way, the idea of Mathias suffering from BPD is my idea. I had this idea days before, since the time I role played with someone. It made me think that Mathias did suffer this illness. Given that he is impulsive, he has issues with relationships (aka his family), and he doesn't deal with abandonment well, as well as he manages to over amplify his emotions in some cases. And yes, I pieced this idea too by basing on how the fandom sees Mathias as a person, so I may be wrong, but I'll stick to this for the story~**

 **Do read and review! Love, LoT~**


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